downward dog

YOGA – for copycats?

Correct me if I’m wrong but, most people I know who go to the gym to take a class do it because they need some structure, guidance and a damn good workout.  I’m generally a cardio/weight lifting gal but I could use some yoga in my life, so I attended my first Body Flow Yoga class at my local gym.  I’ve done a “regular” yoga class a couple of times, which I liked a lot, and I’ve done a “hot” yoga class, which I LOVED, so I wanted to try this “body flow” yoga and see what the big wup was about.

I head over to the right side of the room where I’m next to the mirror, but with a pretty good sight to where the instructor would be so I can see how to do these poses.  The class is pretty full and I’m pretty confident that a good bunch of them were newbies or very close to it, because everybody was simply watching everybody else to see what to do – before the class even started – myself included!!  Some people picked up those blocks and I have YET to figure out what the heck they are for!

Anyway, in walks a guy to the front of the room to plug in his iPhone to get the music started and he never says a word.  No ‘hi ladies!’  No ‘how’s everybody doing tonight?’ – NOTHING!  Seriously, we didn’t even get a smile.  But, I’m not there to see his smile so whatever.  Now the music has begun and he walks over in my direction!!!!  PLEASE DON’T TELL ME THAT THIS IS THE FRONT OF THE CLASS!!!  UUUUGH!  IT IS!!  I so wanted to move but, oh well, I figured this would be an even better spot for me to see how to do these poses but, get this, he didn’t bring a mat over.  Oh contraire mon frere!!  There was no need for a mat because he wasn’t going to be doing any of the poses with us!!!  Not even as an example!!!  This dude busts out with, “let’s start by quieting the mind”.  Yyyyeeaaaaaah, that’s actually not going to work for me because all I’m thinking is, “Quick Maritza! Check out the chick next to you to see how to do it but be slick about it, don’t stare!”  Seriously, I looked at the girl next to me and she looked at me and shrugged her shoulders.  What the frack?!  Now I gotta be obvious and turn around to see what everybody else is doing.  Mind you, the instructor is walking around the room watching everybody.  People are lifting their arms and breathing in and out and doing a prayer pose or something and I wasn’t sure what that was about but I copied them and it sucked.

The class goes on and he wants us in the downward dog position and, “oh, by the way, if at any time you need a break, feel free to get into child’s pose”……i’d love to right now, but unfortunately, I didn’t remember what that meant from the other 3 classes I’ve been to in the last 4 years!  So, for any of you who haven’t been to a yoga class before, a child’s pose is NOT the same as the fetal position, so save yourself the embarrassment.  (That little nugget of information is yours, FREE – you’re welcome.)  So, I continue with this charade for the remainder of the class, believe it or not.  I don’t even want to attempt to tell you all the names of the poses that he wanted us to do because, let’s face it, I don’t remember.  What I do remember is that when he called out the name of a pose, he found one person who was doing it right or close to it and he would say, “everybody do it like her”.

I shit you not, he said, “Do. It. Like. Her”……..DO IT LIKE HER?!!!!………GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE!  Hey buster, how about this; how about YOU show us how to do it since YOU’RE the instructor?!  I know it’s a wild concept and all, but let’s give it a try.  Hmm?  ………No, how about we don’t give it a try.  He literally did that for the duration of the class.  Ugh!!

Towards the end of class, I thought I was getting the hang of things – or at least the hang of copying what everybody else was doing – and it seems like he had some time to kill, so he says, “does anybody know how to do the crane?”  Well, well, well, as luck would have it, someone DID but she says, “that’s an advanced pose”.  He responds, “I know, but let’s try.”  I’m all for trying crap that’s challenging so I decide I’m going to give it a go.  I sit there and I try to nail this crane while I think, “where do they get these names from?”  A good 5 minutes have passed of this ridiculous mess, people are falling on their heads and getting ready to break their necks, but he’s too busy to notice because he’s mingling with other women in the class.  He finally stops the madness and goes through the cool down, which was nice because that’s when I finally “quieted my mind,” go figure.

*le sigh*

No, that wasn’t the best yoga class I’ve ever been to and I won’t be going back.  I’m just going to go to that other lady’s class and do it early in the morning because at least she shows us how to do the poses.  I don’t think I’m asking for much.  I don’t need these people to do the entire class with me, just show me how to do it AND THEN walk around to see how everybody is doing to make sure they’re doing it right, you know?

Oh well, I decided I would try out a different class – INSANITY!!!  Now, THAT’S a class that’s more along the lines of something I would attempt to do to mix up my weight lifting routine.  People seem to love it so I want to check it out.  My happy ass gets in there, to the front of the room, the actual front of the room, and in walks a dude with a PERSONAL TRAINER shirt on.  He looks familiar, but I can’t place him until he begins the class.  WAIT, IT’S THE YOGA “INSTRUCTOR”!!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

TO BE CONTINUED……

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